2004-04-26 - 10:14 p.m.
The word crotch is one of my favorites. It doesn't get enough action for all that it gives us so I'm going to start the crotch crusades. I think it would make an excellent synonym along the lines of cool or center. It already sounds like crux or cross and it's defintely right there in the crossroads of the body. So for example a value statment like "That new Yo Yo Ma cd is so good" would become "Have you heard the Latest Yo Yo Ma? His cello sounds so crotch coming through my Bose headphones."
It would be a good "there are better things up ahead" word. So like for example when dining out you could say "Yes these fried pork fritters are really whetting my appetite but I can't wait for the main course," could maybe become, "These pork fritters are good but I can't wait for the crotch. What, do these cooks smoke pot or what, they've been cooking our crotches forever."
There is a funny skit by Kevin James where he talks about dinner conversations and how when the main course is rounding the corner, how he always has to pretend to be listening to the conversation when he's only thinking about the food and watching the waiters every move. I am guilty of this too but usually Bubbles, my imaginary girlfriend doesn't get too offended. Bubbles always understands.
Ok, getting back back to the crotch of this pablum. Ok, so we come from crotches, our career decisions are unconsciously determined by finding nice crotches, yet we waste all of this time looking at faces. At least porno filmmakers try to put some much needed gilded glory back into the crotch with those 30 mintute loops of one crotch speaking to another crotch.
All this time I thought porno was an attempt to desexualize sex with all of those close ups of crotches but now I realize that they just wanted to you know, instead of Pepsi-Cola kind of say, "This message has been brought to you by...the crotch." "Without these crotches, none of this would have been possible."
I think the greatest job in the world would be either lumberjack or porno film director b/c at the end of the day in the first case you're home would be properly studded by some of the finest woods this country has to offer and in the second case you could look back in your mirror while stuck in traffic somewhere in hollywood and think, "Man, this Lexus was the price of only 10 strange disease riddled crotches."
