2004-04-29 - 5:26 p.m.
Today outside of a classroom, I ran into a person I used to know. Either I keep getting uglier or my capacity to recognize beauty is expanding. This is a girl who 4 or 5 years ago I wouldn't have wanted to ask out but today I even stalked her sort of, waiting until her philosophy class got over and it felt good to have even a brief conversation with somebody from my past. To me she looked stunning, in a black trenchcoat and she has those cute/innocent cheeks that philosophy majors usually loose. Even though when I knew her, I barely knew her, she was always appeared to be selfless and cheerful. Lately walking around campus I don't find anybody to be ugly. I'm struggling with reality b/c I think that I'm doomed to mostly blind perceptions. Everything that appears as such, seems less objective and more determined by mood and other forms of self interested blindness that cause objects etc. to have limited appearance. Underlying all of this, there has to be some noumenal thing connecting all objects, maybe it is undifferentiated will that connects us with everything but like everything else, this is probably a blind comment. There are sometimes moments when the universal can be found in any particular objects and all times seems to stop and the only thing that matters is that object and it suddenly appears to be connected to everything. I'm sure that some people perceive this way always but for me it only happens on certain windy fall and spring days where colors seem strangely differentiated and I feel connected to them all and am happy to shut my mouth and allow my senses to try and take it in while it lasts and then spend the next 4 months trying to forget my relative death compared to what traspired on that Thursday.
