2004-05-27 - 2:52 a.m.
I bought a cell phone (ugh)- hate the flipping bugger already and not just because it seems to be more alive than me, esp. on vibrate mode! I can set my Verizon LG to talk to me when I am lonely. If I push the right buttons, it will speak to me in an unthreatening and hesitant tone, "You...have...an in..com..ing...call. After work and on the weekends it sounds broken and depressed but when I am sound asleep it seems to speak with a type of caffeinated enthusiasm. My phone is more stable and dependable than me!
The circumstances had to be pronounced for me to buy a cell phone and after misplacing my second 200 minute calling card in as many days (if you go to the hundreds digit), anger and a sense of loss is what finally pushed me to purchase. Yet, I'm proud to say it wasn't jealousy.
Tomorrow I have some villianous plans to briefly send people who may not being enough attention to me to the hinges of hell. I may not be Ashton Cooter but for $39 a month, I can slip into the fantasy that somebody is thinking about me a few times per day without help from beer or hip hop. I am going to get back at the anonymous people who put their phone on "The Godfather" ring and continue to break my concentration in grocery aisles when pondering organic/expensive or the slightly quicker but cheaper superhighway to cancer. So a mix of revenge, loss and free weekend minutes courted me to the local radio shock shack. I'm soon moving all of my possessions into a house where there is no phone barking; another big factor. If I don't have a phone, how is the manager going to call me to let me know that I'm already 3 hours late for work?
Tonight I used it to call my girlfriend and it used me. Our voices were broken up in the reception. Was it hers or was it mine? For "about an hour" tm (Lens Crafters) I caught maybe 3/4ths of the syllables. During that phone call I realized that the verizon slogan "working hard for you" is a damn perfect slogan. Vague enough to never lie. They did their best, the gave it their best shot, let's leave it at that. I'm positive that by owning a cell phone and not hearing jack shit that I will become a better listener, maybe I will be better able to market my sincerity! All of this talking will bleed over into other key areas of my life. In general I hope to be a better, more informed American who patches up a tattered antanea flag on the weekend, weather permitting. Insincerity is evidently not a form of death and if it is, it is probably just an act of God.
Come on, buy one, just do it, what are you waiting for? I "guarentee" it will make your life more streamlined. The payment systems are hastle free, you give them the routing numbers, they do the work! For $39 a month you can feel self-important just like me. Join us! (said in a montotone ghost voice)
May the motivation secondary to confidence won by force, interruption, and a slight fee skyrocket with each ring
