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2013-03-23 - 5:00 p.m.

The Donut King

He was the Donut King or the D.K, and there was nothing like the supreme pleasure of watching other people destroy themselves. Was it not after the flood that the town could be better built? Each delicious, carmelized act of self-harm would send him a small jolt of pleasure, spiraling up through his brain, leaving a sense of �I�m more in control than these people.� In addition to getting joy out of destruction, deep within his heart of hearts, he knew that his true role was a type of teacher and that, however indirectly, however delayed, that he acted as a discloser of self-knowledge. Down the road�10 pounds and three pants sizes later�people would begin to hear an internal, inchoate voice say, �I shouldn�t eat that donut. That donut is not good for me.�

The D.K. was aware of himself as diabolical figure fighting the time immemorial fight against all the ephemeral and immediate victories of yes. His victory, the capital T true victory was delayed and almost axiomatically followed the course of increasing No�s. If you want the formula in the abstract it would be something like: Y-N-Y-N-N-Y-N-N-N-Y� ad infinitum.

At 15, he would offer friends cigarettes and when they would ask �Aren�t you going to have light up?� He�d make up some excuse like �I have a chest cold� or �I just washed my clothes.� Even though his back pack was filled with cartons of cigarettes to be profited from, nobody ever actually saw the Donut King smoking.

It was also at age 15 when the D.K. first became aware that women were magnetically attracted to him. At parties, even in school hallways, girls would approach him with a desperation best described as �cat in heat.� When they offered themselves to him, he would make excuses like �My stomach hurts� or �I have a girlfriend in an adjacent town.� After pleading with their beautiful, propriatic eyes, they would dispense.

At 20 he would go to parties in the dorms, at frats, even house parties toting 5 liters of whatever spirit was on sale. He preferred high volume alcohol spirits because he could see the toll they took on the campus pleasure-seekers more immediately. Just like high school, nobody ever saw the D.K. smoking and nobody ever saw the D.K. drinking.

It is amazing how undisciplined and impulsive your run-of-the-mill person is. Only after college and when he entered a career did he begin to notice the correlation between a lack of impulse control and earning run-of-the-mill wages.

At 30, the D.K. decided to make a pact. He could not get rid of that part of him that yearned to see other people destroy themselves, but he decided to limit the destructive agent to food�and that is when he rechristened himself �The Donut King.�

Now, the D.K. was an early riser. The D.K. was up and making his decadent pillows of truth before 5 a.m. Now for those of you unfamiliar with the donut industry, sleeping is not a recipe for financial success.

It was a chilly 52 degrees F outside and the small, blue, steel, corrugated roof began heating up. By noon it would be 85 degrees and the roof would be almost indistinguishable from the summer Sacramento sky. The Donut King was both a small business and a man named David Clark. Clark was a waifish 30 who looked as if he had never even sampled a donut in his entire life. The Donut King stand was strategically placed. It was the closest food available along the American River Trail and it was a tantalizing obstacle for the exercisers. The fresh-frying donut smells could easily catch the river breeze and send the free-advertising smells west along the trail. Many of his customers were people who commuted to work by bicycle. The business was located just off the Jedediah Smith A.R.T. (American River Trail) next to the California State University campus and the D.K. was shocked by how many of his most loyal customers� exercisers in extremis�appeared as if their arteries were clogged and looked as if they would live curtailed lives. It was 5:45 a.m. and the first customer of the day approached the stand.

�What would you recommend�give me your best.
�Well, we have, Jelly-filled, donut holes and long-johns� The worker�David�was waifish, six feet tall and could have weight no more than 140 pounds and he wore a little blue nametag.
�I�ll take two jelly-filled with vanilla icing.�
The much thicker customer watched the waifish man with the little blue nametag pick his jelly-filled donuts from the rack. David gave him a smile, that looked to be disguising something positively diabolical. The customer had just taken an intro to Psychology course and so he noticed that David was not smiling a Duchene smile which meant that the smile was disingenuous.
�How�s your commute this morning? David asked more out of courtesy than curiosity.
�Great, I�ve seen a couple of deer. Few miles back I saw the damndest thing. Rabbit resting next to a deer, not more�n a foot away. Didn�t realize Bambi was, among other things, Disney giving people an inside look at a symbiotic relationship. You see many wild animals from your stand?�
David thought for a moment, �Only the indigenous exerciser. I�ve seen quite a few, actually. They are an interesting animal to observe, high breathing rate and they often check these devices that appear to be oracles.�
�Some exercisers have more expensive oracles than other exercisers, no?� the customer played along. �Well, thanks for the donuts. It�s nice to be able to get breakfast on the go. Have a good day.�
�You too.� Pffff. On the go! Bain of existence. Chief conflict of the modern human condition. Everyone, always eating on the go. Was it one word or three?

�Now, I don�t know if you saw the Tuesday special, but today it�s three for the price of one? Would you like to get some extra donuts essentially for free.�
�I�m trying to watch my weight, that�s why I started biking to work, so I�m just

Recipe
confectioners sugar
All-purpose flour
Yeast
Luke-warm water

Phrases and Words to use
his delicious pillows of premature death


 

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