2013-12-14 - 6:29 a.m.
J2/H2 Man walks into a restaurant. Toward the end of the meal, he takes a final sip of water after final bite of food, blots his mouth with napkin, rises slowly from seat and says to host before exiting: "Thank you sir. That was not the worst carbon I have ever had" T8 Teaching elementary students is just not the same as teaching high school students: they are more glass and less plastic. They don't break on sarcasm, because you can't break with what you don't understand, and they speak the language of the literal. The figurative is a foreign tongue Sometimes I forget that they are little kids. A few months ago I screamed at some second graders who were not doing what I wanted in a loud, frightening voice "How old are you anway?" They answered back in surprisingly soft, innocent, high-pitched voices "We're seven." And I thought, "I guess that really does explain everything disagreeable that is transpiring in this room right now." Devil's Definitions ala Bierce Society: Something that eventually runs its course Criticism The life of the mind. Thinking back to that b/s phrase heard on campuses around this country. Besides stinking of Cartesian dualism, the idea is so outdated that anybody who still uses it can be instantly dismissed, as "the life of the mind" straddles the fallacious borders. So my question for the users of the antiquated notion is who actually lives a life of the mind? That question would be follwed by who the hell would not want to live a life of the mind given the opportunity? I can't imagine anybody saying "Pick me, pick me, for I can't wait to live a life of the body." Shopping is for the sex-hungry The more a woman shops, the worse shape her life between the sheets is in. "Go ahead and have an affair...At Target, the acceptable place." "Yes, feel free to indugle your passions this Christmas...at Neiman Marcus (this is the well-scrubbed, perfectly lit lover for the upper-crust lady). Get out your magic card and prepare to cheat in the acceptable way, the patriotic way, the way that makes this land, the land of the free! Senses What is your favorite smell? Fill in the blank It smells like ________ in here right now. Answer: Sun-warmed cat Humor The first time I heard Kanye West on the radio I thought "Oh, so they let retarded people rap on the radio now?" While I'd shoot Republicans and rich mothafucks by the side of Kanye West in a foxhole based on our shared political sensibilities and our mutual suffering from Groats disease, it doesn't change the fact that West sounds like a retard when he raps. His delivery is slow and awkward and his lyrics are whimsical: "I wilt like Chamberlain, How I gonn know where you been?" or the decidedly un-Shakespearean "They be killin' me/ Are you feelin' me?"
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