2004-11-07 - 8:23 a.m.
Did you know that in Texas you can still be executed for using the handicapped stall? Proponents of this oft ignored law say "It is no small crime to selfishly seek out an extra 3 square feet of space, even if it is to encourage the bowels to relax." Dan Brown from Toledo, Ohio, a Vietnam Veteran said, "Do you know how hard it is to try and squeeze a wheelchair into a regular stall? One time I went with my sister to the State Fair in Columbus and I got stuck in a busy bathroom but was too proud to shout for help. I sat there for hours breathing in the fumes and just my luck, it was free hotdogs for kids day. To this day, I can't even look at a hotdog without hearing a fart."
In a poignant poll, Arizona led the nation again in privacy when it comes to bathroom stalls. They have the smallest stall gaps in the nation with an astonishing average of only .5 inches. Maine was dead last for the fourth year in a row with a pathetic 2.74 inch average. This means that many men and women across the state of Maine have been unknowingly seen hitching up their britches and may explain why Maine has a higher than normal report of peeping-toms. Deputy Thompson of Portland said "We need to allocate more money to our "Tighten the Stalls" campaign because we've interviewed several people who say the perversion started in a public restroom at a young age when they accidentally caught a glimpse of somebody in the mirror, it's just ridiculous," he added.
Of the most common dreams that people have, flying and falling from great heights are some common recurring themes but according to the New Jungists, another common dream is that of a bathroom with dozens of empty, clean stalls. The New Jungists point out that many dreams are the minds byproduct of thwarted desire and that the common desire for a clean stall is one dream that can be easily achieved. They advise people who have this dream to go to any city convention center or concert hall early on a Saturday or Sunday morning. To their surprise they will often find empty stalls, sparkly clean because after large events, janitors often will spend more time in the bathrooms. As a note of caution, they advise male dream seekers to stay away from stadiums built in the 70's or 80's as they will likely find troughs and open stalls, permanently stained yellow from the high sugar diets of citizens during the Reagan years.
